Forgiveness

I’ve heard it be said that when you forgive someone it frees oneself from the burden of bitterness that you feel towards them. I have also heard to forgive is an act of love.

I struggle so very much with forgiveness. You see, when I am wounded either by someone’s actions or words the hurt continues to burn inside of me for a long time. It’s difficult for me to move past that pain, to let the embers die so to say.

It starts with my reluctance to trust. If you knew all of my past you would understand why I am so slow to offer true acceptance into my life.

As humans we are born to automatically trust everyone. It isn’t until our trust is misused and broken that we learn to become wary and then learn ways to protect ourselves from the heartache caused by broken trust. I ask myself how much misuse can one withstand?

If forgiveness IS an act of love, I’m not sure how I can possibly forgive/love some of those who wronged me. How do I let go of all of the pain they caused? Those scars run deep within me, plague my subconscious and weigh heavy on my heart. How does forgiving the wrong doer set me free? It feels to me more like it sets them free. Freeing them of the pain they caused and possibly allowing them to believe their behavior is acceptable. Maybe that is my biggest fear, that by giving my forgiveness, the wrong doer will continue without pause and treat others the way I was treated. Then again, another fear I hold is that by forgiving them I am in a sense loving them? There are some I don’t harbor this feeling for at all. I can’t fathom that they deserve forgiveness much less love from me. Then I ask myself, am I going against Gods Will?

“Complete forgiveness in your heart.” This is what a friend prays for me. The few that I’ve allowed into my heart and have listened to “my story” inspire me. This friend has a way of putting forgiveness in terms for me to relate to. “complete forgiveness, not because anybody that has hurt you deserves it or has even asked for it but because of the gift it can give you; the lifting of a heavy burden on your heart and mind.”

Is bitterness a poison? Filling our minds with hatred and negative thoughts. Leading us to see more bad in people than good? 

I believe that to be true for me.

In an attempt to protect my fragile heart from misplaced trust I limit or cut those who hurt me out of my life. I wish I could explain my feelings better. Perhaps it’s my communication that’s lacking. I’m one of those who needs time to process. I’m not quick witted and when wounded I’d rather remain quiet than say something I’ll later regret. Time gives me better perspective and much needed space to think.

I choose to believe that God will make good from any situation. I also believe He has a plan for me.

This friend that knows the good, the bad and the truly terrifying events of my life wrote me this:

 “God is a good God even through suffering and I have no doubt he was crying when it happened and he has cried along with you since.  He has been with you through it all, even when you didn’t know it and He will bring good from this, no matter how unlikely or crazy that may seem. Even if it is just you healing by letting it out through writing it or if you decide to share your story wider and help somebody else or multiple people.”

Easter week is upon us and I think about what God has given us through His Son. I contemplate all the sins I have made and how easily and lovingly He has forgiven me. I am completely loved and accepted as a child of God.

God asks us to love and trust one another, to forgive and trust in Him. He wants us free of burdens, our hearts open and whole. He knows the gift that forgiveness is. Now I have the task of accepting that gift and allow love to fill the space where bitterness resides.

With time, prayer, and sheer will I want to forgive with true understanding. I want to free my thoughts of all the negative and focus more on the positives. To use my experiences for good. I choose to believe He has been with me every step of the way and that’s saying something. As tears fall unchecked down my face I picture Him with me through the worst of it and now know He had/has a plan. The night terrors that recently plague me are reminders and He’s pushing me. He’s inspiring me and also letting me know He is there for me always.