I’ve canceled Mother’s Day. Maybe that’s a bit too strong, I’ve chosen to celebrate my Mother’s Day by myself. No pity party or guilt trip intended.

To start at the beginning is to know I’ve never had higher ambitions than to be a mother. It was always my dream to live the fairytale. Find a man I’m crazy about and who returns that love, get married, have children and with hard work, commitment and love, live happily ever after. That was my dream. I am happy to report that dreams do come true.

Motherhood is this big beautiful albeit scary job. It’s filled with worry, self- doubt and responsibilities you wouldn’t understand until you are a mother. I think all moms can agree with me that the first terrifying obstacle is when they release you from the hospital. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. You have this less than ten-pound little human who is completely dependent on you for survival but for me there was another stronger emotion, one full of more hope, excitement and love than anything I’ve ever felt.

At fifty years old I know most of my strengths and weaknesses. I know what gifts I’ve been given and try to use them for good. One such gift is that I’m good with kids. I’m talking baby, toddler and even grade school. It’s the later years I’m not as confident in. I remember the years of adolescence where feelings seem magnified, hormones run rampant and we start discovering who we are. Then the teenage years, let’s just say I’m so glad these are my husbands forte. He tells me his job is basically babysitting teenagers and stocking miracle whip. This is one of the reasons we make a good team. But I am sad to report that the years I was their everything seems to have faded from their memories.

Back to Mother’s Day, the forced holiday to celebrate mom. I enjoyed this holiday when the kids were younger and brought home trinkets and art projects. I felt I earned the attention and allowed a moment of special heartfelt thanks. Now, not so much. They are busy and rightfully so. To sum up each one with one word I’d say Ryan is adventurous, Sarah is responsible. Andrew is independent and Emily is focused. That being said guess which one started planning for the holiday and contacting the others? Yep, it was the responsible one and who is a mom herself.

We have a fairly straight forward rule in our house; if you don’t want to be here don’t come. We learned this early, that when we’d strongly encourage them to come home and they didn’t really want to, they weren’t always very good company. It was better to accept and enjoy those that came and hope for better next time. As parents of adult, married children we know we have to share special occasions now and therefore we allow the kids to work out between themselves when we get together. Because of course the more the merrier, right? Mother’s Day is no exception so we just wait to hear what they’ve decided.

Although Ryan is currently stateside he isn’t close enough to come home for the holiday. He’s off the hook. As for our Mama, I feel she deserves the day to herself and she was hoping to celebrate me the day before. Mr. Independent didn’t respond to her inquiry and our time management girl, fresh off of tax season said she wasn’t going to be in town

I could hear the stress and frustration Sarah was dealing with so I took matters into my own hands. Instead of the mom who is in the thick of motherhood hosting, I told her we’d have the family over here. I then sent our group a text of the when, what, where and the menu asking for follow up with each to confirm their attendance. Days later I still had no response from the youngest two. This forced me to inquire a second time, another rule I’d told myself not to break. Listening to their excuses I concluded that this would be one of those they don’t want to be here moments. It hurts to acknowledge that but I don’t like the forced obligation and I’m trying my best not to read too much into it.

The struggle is real when it comes to accepting their decisions. It hurts since I went from their number one to who knows where in their lives.

Fresh from a family birthday party last weekend their reminder was on full display.  I barely even spoke with my youngest three. Not because I didn’t want to but because I had a grand or two who wanted my full attention. And here is your reminder, I’m good with that age. From the minute I’m within their vision they want me to play and I’m happy to oblige. These parties however are difficult and no matter how I try to explain it won’t be like this forever, I feel like the bad guy. Especially when the little gets scolded for not playing with anyone else. It’s heartbreaking for me in some ways but heart filling when they ask if they can go to “grandma’s house” and hold tight to me when I’m leaving. I wonder what my children remember of those days? I am by no means mother of the year. There are by far many more educated, stronger women that deserve that title. I’ve long ago said my style of parenting comes from what I wish I’d had. With love and faith as the foundation and no guidebook I did the best I knew how.

I realize I might be altering some preconceived picture of our family. In many ways we do live a fairytale like life but it’s not without its struggles. When I decided to cancel the celebration, I did it as much for them as I did for myself. I told them it was my choice to become a mother and that I will celebrate that decision with fond memories of their younger years when I was all they wanted, reminding them of the person they witnessed last weekend. I don’t want them burdened with guilt about not getting together. We raised our children to be strong, independent and hard working. I understand they have responsibilities. Hard for them to believe but I was once that age.

Motherhood is full of decisions, compromises, laundry, dishes, meal planning, taxi service, conceding to their choices and love. I am proud of the four kids I helped raise whether it was behind the scenes or front and center. We do not take all the credit for the amazing people they have all become but we do proudly stand behind them with tears in our eyes. Appreciation for everything moms do shouldn’t be crowded into one day it should be graciously acknowledged everyday. Some of us know what it’s like to not have that stability, support and love. To the moms out there that are trying their best, that are putting their family first and who love unconditionally, Happy Mother’s Day today, tomorrow and all the days. And to the all their children may you know that one of the most valuable gifts you can give is your time.