It really has been an extremely different year. For the entire world; for the entire population, for the old and the young, the rich and the poor, the healthy and those who aren’t; this has been a different year.

Perhaps we needed change. Perhaps we needed to slow down, appreciate what we have, accept the things we have no control over and learn to live a little bit differently.

Personally, this year has given me many challenges. I put too many eggs in one basket and my balance got thrown off. My personality was attacked. I took a hit to who I am. In the darkest hour of it all I threw out a life line I needed to help reel me in. I threw it to a friend, the one attacking me. It wasn’t until then that this friend became silent.

For days I was consumed with sadness, guilt, humility. Emails full of hate for me held words that became embedded in my mind and on my heart. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why. Why not communicate these feelings sooner? Why if there was that much dislike from so many didn’t my friend just tell me.

To know me is to know I am genuine. I will not pretend, I will not be fake, I cannot be someone I am not. Another part of me is my personal strength. I have been through some kind of tough things in my life, things that taught me to be strong, how to lift others up and how to read people. My livelihood once depended on all of that. Another important part; is that I’m fiercely protective of my loved ones.

I counted this friend as a loved one and tried to protect her, only I ended up being the one who paid the ultimate price.

Days turned into weeks. I read, I prayed and I wrote.

I learned small ways to make it through an hour, then two. I learned how a shower made me feel more human. I learned even at my lowest when I didn’t think I wanted to talk to anyone it helped when I did. I learned to chase happiness instead of wallow in the pain of the all that hurt. I learned what was lost couldn’t be replaced. I discovered that I deserve to be happy.

Now I’m chasing happiness.

My happiness is linked to being grateful for all that I do have. Happiness is in the everyday that I get to spend how I want to. I’ve learned that how this person treated me wasn’t how I should have been treated, that I deserved better. 

I took being called white trash. I took the gift a coworker, who looked me dead in the eye said he was giving his secret Santa receiver coal. I took the silence of not being included or asked any longer for opinions or help. I took getting talked about behind my back and given dirty looks. I took it all because I thought I was strong enough to handle it, that I could weather this like the other things I weathered.

Want to know a secret about me?

My exterior armor might appear indestructible but I’m actually very sensitive. At that point I was a wounded woman, who when pushed as far as I was, I started to recede into myself. I took all that ugly I was given and I attempted to bury it deep inside. That was when I became silent. My voice no longer mattered anyway. It was the only way I knew how to protect myself. I learned early in life to be cautious, to not let just anyone in and especially not let them see when they are hurting me.  I had tried numerous times at communication hence my piece,  Crossroads.

Then came the time for learning. Actually, listening to the hate filled emails and texts. I learned from them and apologized to the others for the agony my silence caused them. I got one reply, one. So again, I learn from that.

I’m learning that my happiness is my own. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me. Some may think they know me and many judge me. I’m learning that those who really know me want the best for me. They gave me courage when I thought I didn’t have any. They gave me strength when I was weak. They continue to teach me that love is always there and with-it, happiness.

So, in this most different of years I encourage you chase happiness, find loved ones who accept you for who you are and always be grateful to the One who gives us life