Grandma Craig (my maternal grandmother)

With the good and the bad that occurred in my life, I have learned many lessons. Many things have shaped me into the woman, the mother and now the grandmother that I am today. Most of these lessons came at a high price and at the time, cost me my dignity, my self worth and my confidence. Eventually I’ve gained bits and pieces back and look for ways to turn what happened to me into something useful. I learned that how I was treated taught me about how I want to treat others.

Grandma Craig; the grandmother I knew as a young girl was untouchable. She and my step Grandfather lived in another state and when I was young it felt like it might as well have been on the moon.

I remember they would come to visit a couple times a year. Those visits included a thorough scrubbing of the house we lived in, being told how to behave, what to say and sometimes would include new clothing. It all depended on what my mother’s objective was; to look poverty stricken so her mother would feel sorry for her and give her money or if she wanted to portray herself as the perfect mother with the perfect family.

When my grandparents arrived they never stayed long at the house and we always went for dinner at her daughter’s favorite place, Pizza Hut. 

I remember Grandma was always dressed proper. She was well put together with gold necklaces, plenty of jewels on her fingers and bracelets adorned her wrists. She was the polar opposite of her daughter. She had her fading red hair, set fresh from a stylist and wore SAS shoes with blue jeans and colorful top. 

With four other siblings and in a loud, busy restaurant the visits were short and no real time was spent getting to know one another. 

I also remember my Grandma Craig was not a hugger.  We were always told to kiss and hug her goodbye but the gesture though returned lacked feeling and felt perfunctory. Here I remind you, a hug can be worth far more than words.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I believe in her way she loved me. She got better at showing this as time progressed.

As a preteen and later as a teenager I would often be invited to her home in Milwaukee. I would travel there with her father, my great grandfather and I enjoyed the visits. I remember never having to worry about having enough of anything when I was there. We never ate left overs, she had more channels than an antenna could tune in and the house was climate controlled. That meant hot summer evenings were “chill” with air conditioning.

I remember the home she inhabited. The pretty shelves full of priceless collectables, the homemade chests and the train-set that ran the length of the dining room. I remember her cats and how she spoiled them. I even remember the nice vehicle she drove; it wasn’t loud or uncomfortable, had heat/air conditioning and automatic windows. She lived on a whole other level than I did. 

Something else I remember from these visits was going to the grocery store and being allowed to pick out my very own box of cereal (cookie crisp) and she bought me pop, Mt. Dew to be specific. One summer she even bought me a brand new swimsuit for a day at a water park with my Aunt and cousin. Another summer I remember helping Grandpa Craig build a cat house and getting paid for it. The next day Grandma took me shopping to the biggest mall where I bought an outfit at Macy’s for the first day of school. I learned what earning something for yourself was like and I cherished that outfit for as long as it fit me.

Grandma liked ice cream and on warm summer evenings I remember all of us piling into the car. My grandma, grandpa and great grandpa and we would drive to the “famous” ice cream parlor named Gillies where I could order whatever concoction I wanted.

When it came to birthdays and holidays I don’t remember receiving gifts from her. Now I suspect that if any were sent they may have been returned or if it was cash simply not given to the intended. I suspect this because when I had each of you she was generous in buying you savings bonds. She continued to buy these and over the years I’ve kept them safe. Today I’m giving each of you her gift and ask that whatever you do with them, you do in memory of her.

I can see now, that’s how she showed her love, by giving things. Even as a married adult I remember a visit with you girls in 2009 when we went to the zoo, a favorite spot for her. On that visit she sent me home with a special cookie jar that used to be her mother’s, some fall dinnerware I had admired and a handful of pictures I’ll always treasure. 

My Grandma was practical and responsible. She wasn’t the kind to tuck you in and read you a bedtime story but she made sure I had what I needed when we were together and that was more than what I got at home. She was the only person I allowed to call me Jess and she’s the reason I want my grandchildren to call me Grandma Jess. 

The last we spoke she said she couldn’t do much of the talking as it was hard for her to draw a full breath. She asked me to tell her about my life and my family.

Could I ever be so proud? I went on about every single one of you. Dave with your ability to take on whatever it may be that makes me happy, may you know all I ever need is you. 

Sarah and your work ethic, your smile and laugh that bring me such joy and you falling in love with a man who gives love right back to you. May she know how happy you are and sense the pride I have in you. 

Andrew with your crazy big heart, your ability to talk to anybody anywhere and surround yourself with friends. She knows the pride I have in calling you my son. 

Then Emily with your consistently maintained grade point average, good work ethic and the strength it takes to navigate your teens successfully, this is an amazing thing to witness, you bring me great pride. 

Ryan, I left for last because he had the biggest news for me to share. For whatever reason Grandma didn’t cotton to boys much. She only had daughters and boys seemed foreign to her. Whether it was because you were my first born or just because you were mine she tried. Along with many others, her blood runs through your veins and her memory is now in your heart. When I talked to her that day back in October 2018 and I got to Ryan, I shared with her the upcoming baby. How she was a girl and her name would be Hadley Jean. I could sense that her time with us was short and it was important for me to share that with her.  It was with great pride that I told her the middle name of her great great grandchild. However, through many attempts and messages left about Hadley’s arrival I was never successful in speaking with Grandma again. 

You all make me so very proud and I know how very proud she would be of us.