Whether down in a hole or in the middle of a tunnel, depression sinks you into utter darkness. I know. I have been there. It’s an inky darkness I don’t want to return to. 

One year ago,

I was on one hell of a roller coaster. That is up onto June 2, 2020 when the ride ended in an abrupt screeching of brakes and a hard slam where the railcar and tracks disappeared and dumped me into a free fall that felt like no one cared how I was going to land or if I would survive. Yep, it was that kind of ride.

Let’s talk about what depression feels like. How small tasks seem insurmountable. How darkness is preferred to light. How suicide isn’t a question of how can someone do that but an answer to end an indescribable pain.

Days go by slowly when you wish time would just hurry up and heal the way they say time will. Sleep is preferable to consciousness and physical pain wished for instead of this mental anguish that’s consuming and too frustrating to handle.

More people should know how depression feels.

One year later,

Crawling out of a very deep hole or through the long tunnel of depression has got to be different for every person. The early days were days of slow motion where all I did was dwell on the situation and torture myself with questions that I’ve learned I will never get the answers to. Days where the bedroom blinds never turned open and the house became my self-imposed prison turned sanctuary.

It took small steps at first, a shower to feel human again and a distraction to give my mind some much needed rest. Then came some of the bigger things. Going out in public and actually offering a smile, accepting a hug from a family member or friend, finding the strength to think of someone else.

Some of the best therapy for me was finding my happiness again. Really truly finding joy. For me that is in my writing, in my family and in my communication with God. Focusing on my blessings and taking over control of my happiness. It is not someone else’s to give or take away.

I have not yet healed from the drop off the roller coaster but I am working on it.

I am better than I was and that is something I am proud of.

Anxiety lingers and self-confidence wavers as I navigate my way to the light, through the light and in the light.

I made it out of the darkness and I want to be a light.