When you talk to someone you haven’t in years it can bring up many feelings. Here’s what happened to me. 

I talked to Jim today. He is…. He is my biological father

I’m trying to decipher how I feel about the phone call. It was unexpected since my attempt at contacting him was three weeks ago. I needed some information for my health records, the drawbacks of being estranged from biological parents.

It was during Dave’s lunchtime that he called. We’d eaten and were playing Yahtzee. Emily had left for work. The call came in as Burlington Iowa and since I had programmed his cell number in my phone I believed the call to be spam. The first call I ignored, too many expired car warranties with an unknown number. When the same number came again I answered. I wasn’t prepared.

The voice that greeted me sounded old and strained. He asked for Jessica and I said this is, then he said his name.

I was still in the game of Yahtzee, the mood light and playful. The interrupting phone call and thought that it was spam just slightly irritating. Every thought after he said his name emptied from my brain.

“This is Jim Cottrell calling. You wanted to know some things about family health issues?”

My mind turned cloudy and started spinning. When was the last time I talked to this man? It had to have been during my waitressing days at Winga’s Restaurant about 28 years ago. I remember him coming in and sitting at the soda fountain bar, watching me, hoping to talk to me. I also remember how disturbing it was for me and when my boss, John came to my rescue and asked Jim to leave and not return.

Jim wasn’t a good father. I know that now. I know what a good father is, my husband is one.

Jan (biological mother)  didn’t stick with husband number two long. Just long enough to have two babies with him before moving onto number three. Number two, Jim, kept parental rights for a while. He would pick up my older sister, younger brother and I every other weekend. He’d take us to ball games and not care for us. I remember the dirt, the hunger, the boredom. He once took us to a swimming hole where the three of us got severely burned, blisters and all. When he brought us back to Jan she took us to the emergency room. I remember going to his parents’ house. It was dirty, with ashtrays overflowing, it smelled bad and there were always a lot of people there. I remember other things happening there…

“Jessica, I want you to know how much I’ve missed you. All three of you.” Jim continued in my ear as my mind wandered. He told me bits and pieces of family health issues; his, his parents’ and siblings. I scribbled notes on the back side of the Yahtzee score pad. Still in disbelief, shock I guess. It was surreal.

I said enough to let him know I was listening but offered little. He knew about my seizure disorder, how I don’t know. He asked about my family. I felt a barrier rise up in me. I was short and to the point. “Everyone is good.”

He said he’d followed my daughters. This angered me, what right did he have to that? I asked how? He told me his friendship with their coach and that he understood they are both good golfers. I’m saddened someone I know would so freely talk about my children to a man that doesn’t deserve any information about anyone of us unless I’m giving it.

I tried to end the call. I could feel Dave’s stare and worry. He’d heard enough from my side to know who I was conversing with. Jim wasn’t so easily rushed. He wanted to continue.

He said he loves me…

How can this be? I was young but a few memories still haunt me. Besides he gave us up. He had a choice. Now he wants to see me. He told me he doesn’t use his cell phone and to keep this number, to call anytime. I felt robotic saying thank you and okay over and over again.

He told me of my seizure when I was young and how he stayed with me in the hospital for three days missing work. That Jan did not. He told me they came to the conclusion that I got into some cleaning supplies under the kitchen sink while his sister was “watching” me. He said again he misses all three of us kids.

I thanked him for calling and we finally disconnected.

Still seated at the breakfast bar, Yahtzee dice spilled out across it, I counted up the turns Dave had taken to figure out who goes next. Two tears leaked out that I hastily wiped away and Dave pretended he didn’t see. I wrangled up all the dice and shook the cup.

Dave said nothing, waiting for me. He knows me well, he knows it’s something that will take time for me to process.

I’m a woman with four grown adult children. Family is everything to me. My family knows I love them without having to tell them. This man, this person who impregnated Jan therefore creating me says he misses me and he loves me? He wants to see me if I’m ready for that. “Call me anytime.”

I’m not sure what I want. I am confused. I am scared. I am hesitant. I’m angry. I’m frustrated that we even had to talk. 

There is a plan. It is God’s plan and my best solution is prayer.

Earlier today I finished an annual read. The book Grace by Richard Paul Evans. I even wrote about the book and what it gives me; a thankful heart. I will continue to be grateful for what I have in my life, pray for Gods will and mercy. I pray for knowledge, understanding, forgiveness and strength. The life that I live now is more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed. I will hold that close as God decides my next step.